Well done! Coming through strong and clear, Blitzed. I enjoyed the subtle hints, especially the first two stanzas. Descriptive.. Visual.. Effective.

Thanks for sharing.

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Dark Star Poetry Forum - [link]

I don't know about this one. While I definitely enjoyed the metaphor and how well you extended it, the language seems a bit...flat, for lack of a better word. Raw isn't the right word, though it is raw in the unrefined sense. I don't know. I just think the imagery could be a lot more powerful.

However, this is a great metaphor you've come up with, and it has a lot of potential.

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Tell wind and fire where to stop, but don't tell me.

I'm glad this resonated with you. And I very much appreciate the watch.

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I've tried pursuing happiness. Happiness sought a restraining order.

I'm glad you agree with the concept, Ana, and thank you for the honest criticism.

I've been playing with this for the past several hours, tweaking and tucking. In your opinion, is it improved? If so, has it improved enough? And if not, where do you think the problem(s) might lie?

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I've tried pursuing happiness. Happiness sought a restraining order.

"of rotted knotted oak" I love you.

That was great. And you didn't need to say it was a metaphor.

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98% of the teenage population has tried pot. Put this in your signature if you like bagels.

Did I leave you a comment? Be a pal and give my gallery a looksee!

Yes, it has improved, but I think you could still pull more out of it.

One thing I noticed (conscious or unconscious) was the more advanced language at the beginning and the simpler word choice at the end. I think this adds to the idea of deterioration; however, I think it needs to be more pronounced to be truly effective. Or, if it's unintentional, the vocabulary level needs to be more consistent.

I really like "Sometimes, he'll be gone for a week." Formatting adds a nice touch.

The last line bothers me. The stanza itself is well done, but the phrase "at last" seems a bit cliched. It also doesn't seem to fit. His house collapsing and being abandoned are two different things. I'm not sure how you would go about un-cliche-ing the last line, but I think it's worth trying.

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Tell wind and fire where to stop, but don't tell me.

Always.

No, it wasn't intentional; but now that you've pointed it out, I like the effect. (The alterations in the second stanza came about when I decided to not use wind and window together. And the ramshackle dwelling came thisclose to being a decrepit dwelling instead.)

Thank you. I do like the sentiment, but I'm not completely sold on its expression; so that still might change.

Hmm. I don't really have an answer for this. Perhaps it might help to consider what the house stands for? (That it drops exactly six feet is meant as a clue.)

As always, I appreciate the effort you've put into your critique.

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I've tried pursuing happiness. Happiness sought a restraining order.

Thank you, for both the kind words and the .

_{(Perhaps not; I just wanted to clarify that it's not about an old man hiding out in a condemned building, as the photo might lead one to believe.)}

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I've tried pursuing happiness. Happiness sought a restraining order.

Love it.

My drama exam is actually being based around Alzheimers at the moment, so I think I'll show this to one of the members of my group, it's fairly similar to a few ideas we're going to be using.

It's very...ah, I can't think of the word - it makes you follow the deterioration as you read it, if you know what I mean?

Anyway. I like it xxx

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[Insert clever or funny signature here]