My fellow Americans — and Swiss, and Provolone, and even that fellow over there from Tibet:

No more shall we, as the saying goes, stand alone! It is time to let our pressers — I mean, oppressors — know that their rancid regime is about to rind down — excuse me, wind down.

For far too long, we cheeses have been treated as second-class foods. Grains and meats garner all the glory, while we languish half-forgotten in the endmost dairy case. It's no surprise that many of us suffer from low self-esteem! And occasionally, heartburn.

Some people will actually go out of their way to avoid us! What have we done to earn such scorn? We are certainly not ashamed of our history and our heritage as curdled milk. Perhaps there is a subtler, more sinister reason?

(By the way, who let in the representative from Limburg? Somebody, please, open a window!)

Well, no more shall we allow them to string us along; we demand our own thick slice on the pantheon of foods! We are as rich and hearty as any meat, and the variety of textures we offer is matched only by the vegetable kingdom. And we are far more mature than milk (or at the least, less spoiled and better aged), yet just as nourishing.

We hardly claim to be perfect. (No single food is: except perhaps chocolate.) But there's no whey — I mean, way — we're deserving of the rough and gaseous media treatment to which we've been subjected.

So I beseech you, my thousand points of flavor, to spread our message as quickly and thickly as you can! Go forth and tell the people this:

Cast your vote in favor of cheese, and cast a vote against lactose intolerance!

Thank you.

_{(This message was paid for by FETA: Food for the Ethical Treatment of Aliment, and BRIE: Bringing Reform If Elected.)}